Building Egalitarian Marriages

 
 
The report only skims the surface of the 55 life stories documented in this project. But what do we take away from the stories to promote stronger and healthier families and individuals?
 
The dominant model for most Muslim marriage contracts, which is founded on the concepts of qiwamah and wilayah or men’s authority and guardianship over women, often does not serve the needs of families today. The resource persons’ stories show incredible levels of unhappiness and great disconnects between the logic of marriage contracts in Islamic jurisprudence and Muslim family laws against reality, and between gendered expectations about family responsibilities and how family units actually function. This model is not a sustainable way to promote happy, healthy and stable families. The stories that show stable and tranquil families are those in which husband and wife have made a conscious commitment to build a marriage on the basis of partnership.
 
For many resource persons, little consideration was given to the marriage contract, its elements, the possibility of inserting stipulations, and whether the women gave their consent to the contract and were aware of what it entailed in law. This occurred for different reasons in different countries and situations— confusion over the utility and terms of a contract, lack of concern for spousal rights, the focus on the symbolic nature of marriage instead of legal rights, the informal nature in which many marriages are contracted, etc.—but was fairly consistent for all.
 
For instance, Shadiya from the United Kingdom narrates:

The initial consent to the proposal was given by me—which really wasn’t consent, just going along with what I was expected to say—but after that I had nothing to do with anything. My family and his family made all decisions. They decided the mahr and they decided the way the nikah would take place. I was expected as a bride to sit there looking pretty, sign a document and nod my head. I was never told that I had a right to write my nikah contract and include things that were important to me; in fact it was hammered into my head that I had to be a good wife and take care of the izzat (honour) of my father and also now my husband. This was such a huge responsibility and I felt that the only way to take care of this izzat was just to go along with everything my husband and his family said, which is what I did in the first few years of marriage.

 
The current situation—the disconnect between theory and reality—calls for the revisiting of the model for Muslim marriage contracts. Pre-modern jurists understood Qur’anic verse 4:34 as placing a wife under her husband’s authority and accordingly defined the rights and duties of spouses in marriage, but there are other Qur’anic verses related to marriage, alongside the Prophet’s examples, that can and should guide marriage and spousal relations. How can we re-envision a new model for an egalitarian marriage contract that respects the Islamic framework and builds on the lived realities of women and men?
 
A way forward is to draw on the Qur’anic ethos and the Prophet’s practice. For example, the premise of gender relations could begin with verse 9:71 of the Qur’an: “The Believers, men and women, are protectors one of another”; and the marriage contract could begin with verse 30:21: “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in sakinah (serenity) with them, and He has put mawaddah (love) and rahmah (mercy) between your (hearts)”.
 
As they reflected on their stories, some of the resource persons shared what they believed a Muslim marriage, relationship or family should look like in the 21st century. The following are some of their aspirations:

Ideally, my relationship with my husband should be equal, and we should recognize that we have different qualities, strengths and skills that we bring together to make things good for our children.

– Shadiya, the United Kingdom

In my opinion, an ideal family would be able to discuss things openly, where everyone’s opinions are valued and everyone’s opinions matter and everyone is valued equally.

– Nijat, the United Kingdom

I pray when all this is over, my children will be looked after and be given a good education...I tell them to be good, honest, responsible and trustworthy...My advice to men is they should treat their wives with love and compassion and understanding.

– Rashida, Nigeria

Marriage in Islam should be based on consent and respect for each other. Women should not be degraded or disrespected. Equality of Muslim men and women has been expressed in many areas to promote harmony and social cohesion... Everything requires dialogue and respect for each other’s views.

– Adu, the Gambia

I want a marriage that brings serenity, love, and compassion.
(sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah).

– Shafira, Indonesia

I promised myself to educate my three children to be the best kids they could possibly be, to always be respectful and appreciative to anyone regardless of gender, men or women. Also to instil values and principles that women and men are created equal, each has advantages and disadvantages to complement each other, not to hurt each other.

– Murti, Indonesia

I think that the spouses should decide how they are going to share the responsibilities. There should be no real definition of roles, such as, ‘I am the breadwinner, and you are this or that, etc.’ I just believe each person has their strengths. And I do not believe that strengths are defined by gender. It is possible that each has strengths in certain areas, and you should leverage that. Responsibilities should be shared depending on what the strengths of each person are.

– Naeema, Canada

I think more important than the roles is equal respect. Respect that the husband and wife give to each other is imperative...It is important to respect each other’s opinions, differences, ideas and values—respecting them, not demeaning them.

– Samina, Canada

My husband and I do not think of our marriage in terms of the ‘responsibility of a husband’ and the ‘responsibility of a wife’— to us, it is the responsibility of a household. We try to break these boundaries—things that a wife should do and things that a husband should do. Marriage is about keeping things in harmony. We decided early on in our relationship not to have this concept of ‘your responsibility’ versus ‘my responsibility’. One cannot have equality in the house if we have this mentality. We are in it together.

– Nadia, Malaysia