Qiwamah and Wilayah & Women's Lived Realities
AT ONE GLANCE
Population 30,300,000
(World Bank, 2015)
Total fertility rate 2
children born per woman
(WEF, 2015)
Child marriage There is limited data available, though in 2010 over 82,000 married women in the country were girls between the ages of 15 and 19 (Girls Not Brides, 2016)
Maternal mortality ratio (per 100,000 live births)
29 (WEF, 2015)
Life expectancy at birth
77 years for females,
72 years for males
(World Bank, 2014)
Religions (2010) 63.7% of the population is Muslim, 17.7% Buddhist, 9.4% Christian, 6.0% Hindu and 2.3% folk religions (Pew, 2012)
Literacy rate 93% for
women and 96% for men
(WEF, 2015)
Labour force participation (female, male)
47%, 79% (WEF, 2015)
The Malaysian Life Stories Project was undertaken by Sisters in Islam (SIS). Founded in 1988, SIS is a non-governmental organization committed to promoting women’s rights on the basis of foundational Islamic principles that promote gender egalitarianism. The Life Stories team consisted of four activists/researchers: Suri Kempe, Azrine Razak and Wan Zumusni Mustapha, led by Rusaslina Idrus. The project was designed to complement and feed into the ongoing national advocacy work on Muslim family laws in Malaysia.
The team chose to document the life stories of five Muslim Malaysian women whose life experiences provided insights into a range of key issues relevant to the national context and the global project. Some of these life stories highlighted the negative workings of qiwamah and wilayah, particularly in the case of polygamy, an issue that is a central focus of SIS’s advocacy work. Some of the life stories also depicted and gave insights into marriages in which spouses had egalitarian spousal roles and relations. The resource persons were also selected to ensure diversity in terms of rural-urban backgrounds, educational and socioeconomic levels.
Resource Persons*
Nadia (32 years old)
is a well-educated married mother of three children. She was born into a middle-class family. She felt betrayed by her father when she found out that he had been married in secret to a second wife. Unlike her mother, Nadia is a strong assertive woman. She married a gender-sensitive husband with an activist background. Nadia is the breadwinner in her family and her husband stays home to take care of the children.
Mimi (70 years old)
is a single mother of four children. Her father married her mother after his first wife passed away, then married a subsequent wife when her mother fell ill. Between his three wives, her father had 17 children. In the 1960s, Mimi was one of the few women who had the opportunity to pursue her education, subsequently leading her to a career in the Education Department. Mimi suffered twice from polygamy, first through the actions of her father, then through her husband’s secret marriage to a second wife. However, she overcame the hardships she faced in marriage and divorce and is now involved in activism to help single mothers.
Mawar (40 years old)
is a married mother of two children. She was prevented from pursuing her education at an early age, and worked as a rubber tapper to support her family. At the age of 23, she was arranged to be married to a man she had never met. For most of her marriage she was the main breadwinner in her family and thus earned her financial independence, but at the cost of an unequal share of familial responsibilities.
Wati (34 years old)
is a married mother of one daughter. Coming from a modest background, she did not pursue her education after elementary school and worked to provide for her family and to pay for her brother’s studies. While working in a factory in Kuala Lumpur, she fell in love with a married man and became, in secret, his second wife. Eventually, after the birth of her daughter, she and her husband told her parents and co-wife about the marriage, and they reluctantly accepted it for the sake of the child.
Lola (36 years old)
is a married woman with three children. She was born into an egalitarian family, where her parents shared household tasks and insisted the siblings do the same, regardless of gender. Lola followed the footsteps of her parents by sharing decision-making with her husband. Lola was deeply affected by her grandfather’s polygamous marriage and decision to give jointly-acquired marital property to his new wife, which devastated Lola’s grandmother and made Lola resolve to stay financially independent within her own marriage. Although Lola helps provide for her nuclear family, she has also consciously chosen to play a ‘housewife’ role and thus does the majority of housework and childcare.
*Note that all of the resource persons’ names have been changed to protect their identities and that most of the quotations and stories have been translated, edited and condensed for clarity.
Realities of Spousal Roles
The Malaysian research team documented life stories of women who were breadwinners against societal and religious expectations that husbands served as the main protectors and providers. Most of the resource persons provided not only for themselves but also for their children and extended family, whether by choice or by necessity. Yet, society does not recognize them as heads of households or as equal partners with their husbands.
For instance, since the beginning of her marriage, Mawar was the main contributor to the household income and paid most of the bills and for their children’s needs. After her husband’s hernia surgery, she became the sole breadwinner and took over her husband’s responsibilities. Although her financial contribution allowed her room to negotiate with her husband and create space for her independence, she was still expected to fulfil the role of housewife and to take care of all the domestic chores. Mawar believes that low-income household aid should be given to wives who play the main role in the household, rather than to husbands, who currently are de facto eligible because they are assumed to be the providers and protectors.
The family and social environments play an important role in strengthening traditional gender-based roles. The resource persons were expected to conform to certain standards, such as to marry by a certain age, to be a submissive wife and to allow the husband to be the head of the household. These norms are present in different spheres of society, including schools. For example, Wati was taught by her schoolteacher that a husband was the leader of the family and had the responsibility of earning a living, while a wife’s duty was to manage the household and take care of the children. Yet neither Wati nor her mother fit this model. Both of them worked to provide for their households while being subjected to their husbands’ authority.
These social expectations are so embedded in some of the resource persons’ lives that they still carry guilt about not fulfilling their socially-expected roles. For instance, Mimi overcame her painful marital relationship and process of divorce to become an activist helping single women. Yet, 30 years on, she still wonders if she had done something that led to her husband’s marrying a second woman.
The life stories of Nadia and Lola demonstrate that egalitarian gender relations are possible within Muslim marriages. For them, marriage should be an equal partnership, where spousal roles are negotiated according to the needs of the family rather than fitting into normative gender-based distribution of responsibilities. Hence, Nadia has financially provided for her household while her husband primarily takes care of their children and the domestic chores. Nadia has neither considered herself as the head of the household nor stuck to a specific gender role, as she both earns and sometimes helps with domestic tasks. Although being raised in a traditional family, where her father controlled everything, Nadia has managed to build an egalitarian relationship and to keep harmony in her marriage.
This form of partnership is often viewed as an anomaly and challenged by the surrounding society, making women question themselves regarding their relationships. For instance, Lola was raised in an egalitarian family with parents sharing decision-making and the domestic chores being distributed equally among them and her siblings. As a result, her brother was often mocked by his friends because he was doing ‘female tasks’, and Lola felt that her family was different from those she saw around her and on popular TV shows, and thus wished she had a ‘normal family’. Looking back, however, Lola is proud that her father boasted of her mother’s contributions instead of being ashamed that he was not the sole provider.
Once married, Lola wanted to contribute to the household income and to share decision-making responsibilities. At the same time, she made a conscious choice to fulfil some of the ‘traditional’ roles of a housewife by sometimes cooking for her husband, taking care of the children and doing some of the domestic chores. She likes doing this as long as it is a choice and not her husband’s expectation. Yet she is still chided by family members and friends who tell her that she needs to be obedient and who wonder if her husband minds that she does not cook for him every day.
Multidimensional Impacts of Polygamous Marriages
The Law Reform (Marriage and Divorce) Act (1976), which came into force in 1982, banned polygamy for non-Muslims in Malaysia. Therefore, polygamy has become increasingly associated with Islam and viewed as a religious right held by Muslim men, sanctioned by the Qur’an and linked to their qiwamah. However, polygamy is a pre-Islamic practice, regulated and restricted rather than encouraged by the Qur’an, and its impact in contemporary life can be devastating for women and children. Four out of the five life stories documented by the Malaysian team featured multidimensional negative impacts of polygamy, either on the first wife, second wife or children.
A widespread view in Malaysia is that polygamy is a beneficial system meant to help unmarried women, since such marriages can ensure they have a provider and protector. Yet many polygamous marriages may be motivated by men’s sexual desires rather than their magnanimity, and end up resulting in financial and emotional injustice for women and children. For instance, Nadia’s father secretly married a second wife when Nadia was 24 years old despite having a stable and happy life with his first wife and children.
When asked why he needed to marry again, his only answer was, “She is young”. Feeling betrayed by her husband, Nadia’s mother suffered psychological trauma. Nadia and her siblings suffered as well. Yet, Nadia’s father used religion to justify his practice, saying that it was his duty to honour God’s blessing. Furthermore, he told her mother she would be rewarded in heaven for being in a polygamous marriage. Nadia’s mother and siblings adapted to the situation but Nadia forgave her father only for the sake of her mother, and did not inform her own children about this marriage.
Paradoxically, polygamous marriages are both accepted and frowned upon by Malaysian society. Indeed, regardless of their claim to polygamy as a religious right, Nadia’s father, Mimi’s husband, and Wati’s husband initially hid their polygamous marriages from their first wives and children. When Wati first met her husband, she was aware that he was already married and had four children. In the beginning, she tried to deny her feelings for him since she did not want to hurt his wife. Furthermore, her mother often advised her to marry a single man and not to be a reason for another woman’s unhappiness. Yet Wati persisted in her relationship and eventually married him in secret. Neither her parents nor the first wife were aware of their marriage until she gave birth to their daughter. Her husband did not treat his wives equally and gave priority to his first wife. But as a second wife, Wati decided that she must always give in and take the backseat.
As described in her story below, Mimi did not expect or believe that her husband would marry a second wife and initially endured the polygamous relationship— praying that Allah would guide her and trying to be patient—until she could no longer bear it. Mimi is now involved in an organization that helps single mothers. She deplores the State’s failure to protect women and children against the injustices resulting from polygamy. Indeed, many of the women she has helped had to wait for many years to be granted a divorce by the courts and to get maintenance for their children because the system protects men rather than women.
Women Speak : Mimi’s Life Story
A happy youth
II was born in Kedah in 1942. My father was a teacher and my mother was a housewife. When my father married my mother, he was a widower with three daughters. Together, they had five more children of which I am the eldest. When I was about seven, my father was transferred to Alor Setar, where I started my schooling years. I first went to the Malay school until Standard Six, then to the Malay special class for two years and finally to the English secondary school. I went to the regular school in the morning and attended a religious school in the afternoon to learn to read the Qur’an.
I don’t usually tell people this but I guess I am from a ‘broken family’. Following five childbirths, my mother’s health began to deteriorate, so my father decided to marry again. My father eventually had 17 children from three wives. Among the 17, my sister and I were my father’s favourites. If the other siblings were in a quandary, he asked them to consult us. My father was strict but not overly religious. Although he was the head of the family, we were closer to our mother. My mother was very quiet. She was a soft-spoken housewife who focused on taking care of her children and husband.
I finished schooling in 1959 after Form Five and started working in Sungai Petani. My father was transferred back to teach in Sungai Petani, so we all moved with him. I lived with my mother and siblings and my father lived with his other wife and children. I often became the go-between for my mother and siblings and my father. I was the one who would speak to him when we needed something.
Later, I started to work as a clerk in the Education Department. There were very few women working there at the time. People sometimes stared at us when we went out to work. We were stylish and ‘modern’. I used to wear long skirts and perm my hair. I had very curly hair and wore red lipstick. I was very happy when I was young. When I got my salary, I spent it on my brothers and sisters and would only keep a small amount for my own savings.
Marriage, polygamy and divorce
In the late ‘60s, I met my husband—a schoolteacher—at a house party. We married in 1968. After 16 years of marriage and four children, we divorced in 1984. The failure of my marriage was a surprise to me. We were happy together and had a good life. That’s what I thought, at least. Then, one day, he went out of town and did not take me with him as usual. Apparently, he went away with another woman. When he came back, someone told me that he was getting a second wife. I did not believe this person at first—my husband would never do that to me. But God wanted to show me the truth. The hantaran (gifts) he ordered for his secret marriage were wrongly delivered to my house. Words cannot describe how I felt that day. My world collapsed. I really did not expect this to happen to me.
I prayed for Allah to guide me in making the right decision. My first instinct was to ask my husband for a divorce, but he refused. I ended up staying in the polygamous marriage for four years. I tried to be as patient as I could be. But how long could I live this way? You would not have recognized me if you saw me at that time. I cried all the time and often I just sat staring into space. I was very depressed. Every night I asked God: is this how my life is supposed to be? Can I survive such a life? How long do I have to live like this? I finally decided that I needed to get out of this relationship. I stayed to save my marriage and my family, but I could not pretend any longer. I just couldn’t be in a marriage like this. I was miserable. This was not the life I wanted to live.
When I informed my children that I was getting a divorce, they told me, “It’s okay, Mama, do what you think is right.”
During my time, there was no Shari‘ah court. You went to the Pejabat Agama [Religious Department] to get a divorce. I had no lawyer. I did everything on my own. My husband refused to divorce me, at first. The officer at the Pejabat Agama advised us to reconcile. But, I said: “No, I cannot”. I asked for khul‘ [a woman’s right to initiate divorce], paid one ringgit [Malaysian dollar], and got my divorce.
It was hard to be on my own but I was happy. I just focused on my career, my children and my health. If I was sick, my children would get sick too. If I messed up, I might lose my job and my children would have nothing to eat. That was what I was thinking about after the divorce.
After I got divorced, people said all sorts of things about me, such as I divorced because I wanted to be with another man. It is fine; they can say anything they want. They were not going through what I was going through. I did not tell my parents until the process was finalized. They were shocked and unhappy with my decision. I did not rely on my family for support. I just focused on taking care of my children on my own. I just asked Allah to guide me to the right path. God gave me strength to make the decision to leave the marriage. What was the use of living in a big house and having a lot of money when your heart was always hurting? I knew the woman he married. She worked in my husband’s office. I was nice to her. Why did she do this to me? Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong that he had to look for another wife. I had given him four beautiful kids. I never betrayed him. I was always supportive of his career. Why did he do this to me? Until today, I wonder, was she better than me?
Being a divorced single parent
After the divorce, I moved out of my ex-husband’s house in Bangsar to a rental in Keramat. It was a big move for all of us. Before, we had a comfortable life. I was used to a high standard of living, and then suddenly—pap!—I fell right to the ground. It was also a hard transition for my children. They had a happy life before; they got whatever they wanted, and then suddenly we were struggling. My eldest was 15 at the time and the youngest was only nine. At the time, my husband did not provide us with anything. I brought up the children on my own with my small salary. I told my kids, if you want to live with mama, this is the life. If you don’t want this, you can live with your father. They all wanted to stay with me. You know, when we were with my ex-husband, we had a luxury car and a driver to drive us around. Now [after the divorce], my children and I had to take the public bus. To make ends meet, I started to do some part-time work selling cosmetics and household products. Life was a struggle then.
When the children were older, my ex-husband took them back in with him. He was doing well in his career and had more money. He sent our sons to Australia to go to school. During these years, I saw little of my children. We kept in touch, but my husband kept them away from me. I would drive all the way to the airport when they were flying off and I would just wave to them from afar. When they flew back I would make sure to be there to welcome them. But I stayed back as I did not want to interact with my ex-husband and his family. Even if I could not talk to them, I wanted my children to know I was always there for them. I remember driving my old car and crying all the way home from the airport.
I have a good relationship with my children now. When they graduated, they all looked for me. They are all married, except for my youngest son. I visit them from time to time. But I choose to live on my own because I like my independence. My ex-husband has since passed away. On his deathbed, he asked to see me. I think he felt guilty about the way he treated me. He asked for Mimi: “Where is Mimi? I want to see her.” I was at the hospital at the time, accompanying my children, but I stayed in the lobby. I refused to see him. My daughter told me, “Father wants to see you.” But I just couldn’t. What he did to me. I can forgive but I cannot forget.
Activism with single mothers
In 1993, I began to help other single mothers. We created a support group with the help of a sociology professor, Dr Wan Halim. We would get together and introduce ourselves and tell our stories. If you were not feeling brave enough to share your story, you just listened at the back. That was how we worked. We listened and supported one another. We met once a month. We became like a family—if someone needed to go to a government office or to the bank, a volunteer would go with that person for support. Initially, I started working part-time with a government agency to help single mothers. When I retired, we started an association for single mothers.
At the time, single mothers were called janda (widow or divorcee), which had a lot of negative connotations. We came up with the term ibu tunggal (single mothers). We became known as the persatuan ibu tunggal (association of single mothers). We don’t have a lot of money but we don’t really need that much. We just get together and share a common meal. At each gathering, 40 to 60 people come. I am very grateful for everyone who helped us in the early years and pushed and motivated me to continue with my work. But the ulama-ulama (religious people)—we did not get any support from them. We could not even get any zakat (Islamic religious tax) money to help us with our programme for single mothers.
Nowadays, there are many single mothers’ groups but some of them only have religious lectures. Learning religion is good but the lectures do not give you ideas to help solve your problems. The mothers need support and help in starting their lives again. Sometimes it is very practical things about surviving day to day. With religious lectures, the women can only listen and nod their heads. They need space to voice out their feelings and opinions. It has to be a two-way street.
I have now been involved in this for a long time. People know me and they still continue to call me for help and advice. After 20 years of doing this, I have to say I hear the same stories over and over again. The main problem is with women finding it hard to get a divorce. They have to wait years and years to get a divorce. Actually, a woman’s rights are all in the taklik (marriage contract) when you get married. Why is it so difficult for a woman to get a divorce? In the taklik it says, “If a husband does not provide for his wife for more than four months and 10 days, you can get a divorce.” Why do you need to get a witness and all that? It is not easy for a woman to make a decision to go to court. They think about their family and people around them. And, most of all, they think about their children. Some even take 10 years before they dare go to court. They suffer for a long time. For me too, it was not an easy decision, but I had to do what was best for me. I tell these women the same too. Do what is best for yourself. Allah will guide you to what is best.
Gender Equality
The Federal Constitution of Malaysia (1957, 1963) guarantees the principle of equality before the law; article 8 stipulates that there shall be no discrimination on the basis of gender, religion, race or place of birth. However, personal laws—i.e. Muslim family laws—and affirmative action to protect ‘Bumiputera’ (Malays of the Peninsula and indigenous populations of Borneo), among other things, are excluded from this guarantee of equality. Despite the fact it has committed to protect the principle of equality under the Constitution and international human rights conventions, Malaysia still lags behind in terms of substantive equality, ranking 111th out of 145 countries according to the World Economic Forum’s Global Gender Gap Report 2015.
Gender disparities persist in Malaysia in terms of health, education, economic activity and political empowerment of women, fostered by patriarchal religious and customary norms. While the literacy rate gap between men and women is decreasing, in 2015 girls were still the first to be withdrawn from school, making up 76% of out-of-school children of primary school age. Furthermore, gender wage differences prevail in the Malaysian labour market, where male workers earn up to 8.4% more than their female counterparts (2013). Finally, the country lags far behind in terms of political empowerment of women, ranking 134th out of 145 countries. In 2015 women made up only 10% of Members of Parliament and held 6% of ministerial positions in Malaysia (WEF, 2015).
Political & Legal System
Malaysia, a federal constitutional monarchy composed of 13 states, was formed in 1963 through the union of the Federation of Malaya, which had gained independence from the British in 1957, and newly-independent Singapore and the former British colonies of Sarawak and Sabah (then called North Borneo) on the island of Borneo. Singapore left the Federation in 1965. The king, who is elected to a five-year term from among the nine Sultans of the peninsular states, is the head of state as well as leader of the Islamic faith at the federal level. Federal legislative power is vested in the Government and the federal bicameral Parliament. The main sources of the Federal Malaysian law, based on the British common law system, are the Constitution (1957, amended several times) and Acts of Parliaments (enacted by the Federal Parliament). Malaysia has two levels of lawmaking that is divided between federal and individual state legislatures. In addition, Malaysia has Shari‘ah (Islamic law) legal regimes at the state level that apply only to Muslim citizens, with different laws among states resulting in different impacts on individuals.
Muslim Malaysian women often face gender-based inequalities in the Shari‘ah-based laws mainly under the Islamic Family Law Act (1984, 2005) as well as the federal Syariah Criminal Offences Act (1997) and corresponding state enactments. The Islamic Family Law contains a number of provisions that discriminate against Muslim women, such as age of marriage, unilateral divorce, male guardianship, criteria for witnesses, matrimonial property and polygamy.
Malaysia acceded to CEDAW in 1995, but the accession was subject to compatibility with the provision of Shari‘ah law and the Federal Constitution. Malaysia has also placed several reservations on articles 9 and 16, and this has undermined equal marital, parental and family rights.
The Malaysian women’s rights movement has played a significant role in promoting gender equality. For instance, the organization Sisters in Islam (SIS) has been working on drafting a model Muslim Family Law bill based on the principles of justice and equality that would serve as a lobbying tool to promote law reform.
