Polygamy

 
‘Polygamy’ is a generic term that encompasses ‘polygyny’- a man married to more than one wife at the same time- and ‘polyandry’ -a woman married to more than one husband at the same time-, although polygyny is much more common and the only form sanctioned in Muslim family laws. Polygamy in the form of polygyny appears in stories from all of the countries, both in the resource persons’ marriages and in their narrations of their parents’ marriages. In most cases, the resource persons were the first wives and their husbands married again, with or without the resource persons’ consent. In some cases, the resource persons were the husbands’ subsequent wives, usually by some degree of choice since they knew they were entering into marriages where there were existing wives.
 
The stories demonstrate the harmful effects of polygamy on both first and subsequent wives as well as the children of such marriages. Polygamy as practised today no longer serves the original intent of permitting polygamy in the Qur’an, namely to do justice to orphans and widows. Instead, men are abusing the practice in order to justify their desires for multiple sexual partners as legitimate in the eyes of God.
 
The following are some of the observations and experiences shared in the Global Life Stories Project:
 

Many of the resource persons in polygamous relationships were deeply surprised, hurt, and felt powerless when they learned their husbands had taken another wife.

 
Mimi from Malaysia married at the age of 26 and divorced 16 years later after her husband took a second wife without her knowledge or consent:

The failure of my marriage was a surprise to me. We were happy together and had a good life. That’s what I thought, at least. Then, one day, he went out of town and did not take me with him as usual. Apparently, he went away with another woman. When he came back, someone told me that my husband was getting a second wife.
 
I did not believe this person at first—my husband would never do that to me. But God wanted to show me the truth. The hantaran (gifts) he ordered for his secret marriage were wrongly delivered to my house. Words cannot describe how I felt that day. My world collapsed. I really did not expect this to happen to me.
 
I prayed for Allah to help guide me in making the right decision. My first instinct was to ask my husband for a divorce, but he refused. I ended up staying in the polygamous marriage for four years. I tried to be as patient as I could be. But how long could I live this way? You would not have recognized me if you saw me at that time. I cried all the time and often I just sat staring into space. I was very depressed. Every night I asked God: is this how my life is supposed to be? Can I survive such a life? How long do I have to live like this?
 
I finally decided I needed to get out from this relationship. I stayed to save my marriage and my family, but I could not pretend any longer. I just couldn’t be in a marriage like this. I was miserable. This was not the life I wanted to live.

Sinta from Indonesia discovered that her husband had committed adultery and that the religious leaders helped her husband marry his mistress without Sinta’s consent:

He took a radio broadcaster to be his second wife. I was so devastated. At first he denied it...Then he went to the Kyais [religious leaders] to tell them that I had found out the truth. It turned out those Kyais were the headmen, witnesses and guests at my husband’s second wedding. I called the Kyai who was the head of an Islamic organization to see if he actually knew all along. He apologized and gave an excuse that he had to do it because the woman was pregnant.

Amina from Canada had discussed polygamy with her husband before he married a second wife but was still surprised when it happened:

One day, the children were all at the table eating dinner. The telephone rang and they became very excited because they knew from the way it rang that it was long-distance, so it must be their father. He told me, ‘I got married. I hope you don’t mind. I’m going to sleep with her tonight.’ And I just couldn’t respond. And then later he would say, ‘You consented’, but there really wasn’t much I could say with the kids around.
 
And the first thing that popped into my mind when he called was a Hadith from Abu Huraira: that a woman should not ask for the divorce of her sister to fill her own cup because she shall not have more than whatever God has decreed for her. So I figured it’s haram for me to object to this marriage. Several months before this happened, my husband had given me a book, Polygamy in Islam, which presented polygamy as an unchangeable part of Islamic law. And I didn’t suspect a thing. Looking back, I can say that I had been primed to believe that Islamically, I didn’t have the right to object.

Amalia from Indonesia was pregnant with twins when she heard that her husband had taken a second wife:

I couldn’t stand on my feet and fell to the floor. It was like I was struck by thunder and earthquake. I felt like I was in hell. It was very painful and I couldn’t believe what I heard. I cried in anguish and my three-year-old son looked at me while shedding his tears on my shoulder. Everything was so dark and I sighed, ‘Oh Dear GOD, why should I be burdened with these miseries?’

Polygamy did not serve the resource persons well, whether they were the first or subsequent wives. Husbands took multiple wives but were unable to support all of them and their children or treat them equally, whether on financial, emotional or simple time-based measures.

 
Murja from Nigeria married her cousin when she was 14. She was devastated to be forced to leave school, and decided not to obey her husband as a way to voice her protest. They fought constantly, and her aunt and step-mother supported her husband.

So they advised my husband to marry another wife, which he did. I thought I would get some relief but the opposite happened. Zainab, my co-wife, became a thorn in my flesh. Our husband withdrew food items from the store and kept them in his room. I was to ask for anything I needed and she would give me what she felt like giving. This was breaking tradition, which gave the first wife the right to control if any control was to be exerted.
 
The turn for the worse came when I got pregnant. My co-wife stopped talking to me and would just look at me with deep envy and pain that I was pregnant instead of her...I had a very difficult pregnancy. I threw up all the time. I couldn’t take in anything except watermelon but Zainab doesn’t eat watermelon, so she refused to buy it and forbade it being brought to the house...I also had to do all my household chores. If I didn’t do them, I would receive a good beating...He would refuse to allow me to visit my dad next door and always made sure I went days after I had sought permission.

Kaddy from the Gambia knowingly entered into a polygamous marriage as a second wife. However, her husband didn’t pay the house rent and only gave her ‘fish money’ when he planned to spend the night with her. When she resisted, he stayed away for six months. He then agreed to shoulder his responsibilities but changed his behaviour again when she was pregnant with their second child. They divorced after she gave birth but have reconciled again. Kaddy is now responsible for her younger siblings and also needs to provide for herself and kids because her husband does not have a job and is not providing for his two wives and seven children.
 
Sultana from Bangladesh married when she was very young because her father had died and her family was poor. Her family could not provide a dowry (common in Bangladesh) when she married, and her husband originally said it was unnecessary. When he was having trouble earning, however, he started asking her for the dowry and then beat her over it. She left for her mother’s house. While she was staying with her mother, he married another woman whose family provided a large dowry. Sultana thought about staying in the marriage but decided the relationship was not going to work: “I would never have any peace after he remarried. I did not want to live with a co-wife. I could not go back. But he still had legal and all claims of a husband over me.” This meant he could demand obedience, including sexual obedience, from her, which meant she would have to submit to him, which could lead to more children.
 
After the husband of Hawa from the Gambia took a second wife, she was forcefully divorced and sent out of the house that she had helped fund:

We were married for over 20 years until he decided to marry another wife. He divorced me because he wanted me and my children to leave so the new wife could come in. During my ‘iddah [three-month waiting period before the divorce is finalized], the new wife came in. After that period, he asked me to leave the compound that I had bought with a loan in my name. We went to court and the qadi (Islamic judge) ruled that I should move out and leave the compound because his name was on the compound documents.

Some of the resource persons were also affected by polygamy in their parents’ and grandparents’ relationships.

 
Shafira from Indonesia found her life changed when her father married a second wife. Her family was socially and economically stable for many years until her father took a second wife when her mother gave birth to their seventh and last child. Her father kept the second marriage secret but relatives eventually told her mother. “Her mother was very shocked to hear this news. She was traumatized because she thought that her husband was a loyal husband and cared for his family. But in fact he had lied to her and their children. Her mother could not accept this situation so she got depressed and ill. Moreover, she was not getting enough nafaqah (maintenance) and her husband abandoned her. Economically their standard of living dropped dramatically because her father cut down on their monthly expenses.”
 
Lola from Malaysia related that her grandparents had been married a long time and had built their life together physically and financially. But her grandfather took a second wife and gave away the property they had acquired together. Her grandmother’s experience made a huge difference in Lola’s outlook:

I saw how it affected my grandmother. She felt hurt and betrayed; it made her a bitter woman for the remaining 22 years of her life. I saw this as an injustice and I swore to myself that I would always be financially independent.

Several resource persons chose to become subsequent wives. They did so for a variety of reasons, mostly related to wanting or needing marriage to feel protected or socially accepted.

 
Several women entered into polygamous marriages to secure the physical protection afforded by their husbands. This was the case with Ranu from Bangladesh, whose story is recounted above. Hauwa Balarabe from Nigeria married an elderly Saudi Arabian man to escape her life as a sex worker. She said she agreed to keep their marriage a secret “because I was desperate to leave my old life behind and for once have someone take proper care of me.”
 
Natoma from the Gambia willingly entered a polygamous relationship because of societal expectations that women should be married. She rejected polygamy in her first marriage, divorcing her husband when she learned he was considering marrying another wife, but she married again as a third wife. However, she chose a powerful man and negotiated conditions with him, including that she would live separately from his other wives, which is rare in the Gambia.
 
Wati from Malaysia chose to enter a polygamous marriage because she wanted a man to be her religious guide and become her protector, and she felt that being a second wife was better than not being married at all. Wati and her husband married secretly in Thailand and only told her family and his first wife when she gave birth to a daughter. The first wife acquiesced because the daughter was already born, and Wati voluntarily took a back seat to the first wife. Her husband spends more time with his first wife and children, and contributes more to their expenses (she pays many of her expenses on her own), but she says, “I just hope that my marriage will last and [he] can be the leader and protector for me and my child. Perhaps these are the sacrifices I have to go through as a second wife.”